When
both parents agree to parent cooperatively and share equally in the raising of
their kids, there is a strong chance that the experience will be relatively
free of conflict. But many single parents have too much pain, anger and
immaturity to be able to parent cooperatively. Single parents can ease their
stress and conflict, and improve their chances for a new, positive "two
home" family plan when they follow the steps outlined below.
Step One: Create a new relationship with
the other parent based on Humility.
Your kids learned a lot about
communication, problem solving, respect and tolerance from you and your former
partner during the living together phase of your relationship. And yet, they
will learn a lot more from you during the separated phase. After all, the
separated phase will probably last a lot longer.
So what do you want to teach
them? Do you want to teach them bitterness or forgiveness? Do you want to teach
them depression or acceptance? Do you want to teach them intolerance or
flexibility? Do you want to teach them anger or understanding?
Once you and the other parent
decide not to live together, the reasons that contributed to this decision are
unimportant. Shoulds, woulds,
coulds and dids are
judgment packed references that have historical value, as regards the now
defunct partnership. And they have value when considering what to look for when
it's time to have a new intimate relationship. But these judgment packed
references can be a huge roadblock to the successful creation of a cooperative
co-parenting relationship with your former partner.
Another major problem with
maintaining an anger and judgment based relationship with the other parent is
what it does to your relationship with the kids. Here's an idea to consider:
When you teach your children to love the other parent, your children will learn
to love you more. When you teach your children not to love the other parent,
your children will learn to fear you.
Here's why: Your kids are made
up of one-half you, one-half the other parent. Your ability to judge and reject
the other parent sends a quiet message to your kids. It tells them that you can
judge and reject them as well, because they are half made of the other parent.
Don't bother reassuring them that you can hate and reject the other parent but
love them (your kids) unconditionally. When's the last time you believed a
mechanic when they finished a brake job on your car and told you that the
thumping sound that's unnerving you whenever you hit the brakes is nothing to
worry about?
Of course you and the other
parent have every right to harbor negative feelings towards one another. But
are these feelings a sound foundation for building a new relationship with each
other that is intended to support your kids? Are these negative feelings so
strong that it's difficult not to express them, even in front of the kids? Are
these negative feelings keeping you or the other parent from being able to
treat each other fairly regarding visitation, child support, community property
or spousal support? If it's a cooperative relationship with the other parent
that you're seeking, anger, mistrust, resentment and a desire to punish won't
get you there. The foundation for cooperation, especially between people who
have been conflict-oriented, is humility.
Humility is the expression of
love that most easily diffuses judgment and defensiveness. After all, if you're
willing to let go of blame, won't that make it easier for the other parent to
let go of it as well? Humility is tough to achieve when we need anger and
judgment to help us disconnect from someone that we have once loved. The irony
is that shared children will always keep us together. And, even if it doesn't
feel like it presently, that's a good thing. Once separated, we must learn to
connect with the other parent in a new way that supports love without the
expectation of being together.
How do you move past negative
feelings to humility? Ask yourself questions that lead you to where your
choices contributed to a terminal relationship. Did you see problems before the
marriage (or getting pregnant) and diminished them because you wanted the
relationship so badly? What personality traits do you possess that, mixed with
the other parent's traits, inflamed the relationship? What did you learn from
your parents about affection, judgment, problem solving and forgiveness? How
might these factors have affected your relationship?
Questions such as these
provide valuable insight into our own relationship needs and abilities. From
this humble perspective, we are able to develop a new relationship with the
other parent, a relationship that can be less judgmental and therefore less
defensive. And when we are less defensive, we are able to be more tolerant,
flexible, creative and caring in the way that we redesign our new "two
home" family.
By the way, you don't have to
share your personal; insights with the other parent. It might not be an
emotionally safe thing to do. Being humble does not mean being vulnerable at
the wrong time. Bring this perspective of Humility to the negotiation table and
you will not only walk away with more for the whole family, you will walk away
with a "whole" new family.
More importantly, they could contribute
to the continuation of a conflict-oriented relationship that damages the
children's ability to:
Another
major problem with maintaining an anger and judgment based relationship with
the other parent is what it does to your relationship with the kids. Here's an
idea to consider: When you teach your children to love the other parent, your
children will learn to love you more. When you teach your children not to love
the other parent, your children will learn to fear you.
Here's why: Your kids are made
up of one-half you, one-half the other parent. Your ability to judge and reject
the other parent sends a quiet message to your kids. It tells them that you can
judge and reject them as well, because they are half made of the other parent.
Don't bother reassuring them that you can hate and reject the other parent but
love them (your kids) unconditionally. When's the last time you believed a
mechanic when they finished a brake job on your car and told you that the
thumping sound that's unnerving you whenever you hit the brakes is nothing to
worry about?
Of course you and the other
parent have every right to harbor negative feelings towards one another. But
are these feelings a sound foundation for building a new relationship with each
other that is intended to support your kids? Are these negative feelings so
strong that it's difficult not to express them, even in front of the kids? Are
these negative feelings keeping you or the other parent from being able to
treat each other fairly regarding visitation, child support, community property
or spousal support? If it's a cooperative relationship with the other parent
that you're seeking, anger, mistrust, resentment and a desire to punish won't
get you there. The foundation for cooperation, especially between people who
have been conflict-oriented, is humility.
Humility is the expression of
love that most easily diffuses judgment and defensiveness. After all, if you're
willing to let go of blame, won't that make it easier for the other parent to
let go of it as well? Humility is tough to achieve when we need anger and
judgment to help us disconnect from someone that we have once loved. The irony
is that shared children will always keep us together. And, even if it doesn't
feel like it presently, that's a good thing. Once separated, we must learn to
connect with the other parent in a new way that supports love without the
expectation of being together.
How do you move past negative
feelings to humility? Ask yourself questions that lead you to where your
choices contributed to a terminal relationship. Did you see problems before the
marriage (or getting pregnant) and diminished them because you wanted the
relationship so badly? What personality traits do you possess that, mixed with
the other parent's traits, inflamed the relationship? What did you learn from
your parents about affection, judgment, problem solving and forgiveness? How
might these factors have affected your relationship?
Questions such as these
provide valuable insight into our own relationship needs and abilities. From
this humble perspective, we are able to develop a new relationship with the
other parent, a relationship that can be less judgmental and therefore less
defensive. And when we are less defensive, we are able to be more tolerant,
flexible, creative and caring in the way that we redesign our new "two
home" family.
By the way, you don't have to
share your personal; insights with the other parent. It might not be an
emotionally safe thing to do. Being humble does not mean being vulnerable at
the wrong time. Bring this perspective of Humility to the negotiation table and
you will not only walk away with more for the whole family, you will walk away
with a "whole" new family.
Step Two: Expand the idea of what a
"Whole Family" is.
As much as possible, avoid
isolating yourself as a "Single Parent." During this particular time
in your life, you ought to expand your circle of love and support! Most of the
time, the other parent is available at some level of support. It's important
for your health and the emotional welfare of your kids that the other parent be
involved. Co-operative co-parenting between separated, divorced or never
married parents can be as effective, for the whole family, as the more
traditional "two parents under the same roof" family plan. The
focused attention that the children receive from the present parent can
strengthen the love bond between them while enabling the other parent to
recharge their parent batteries and have necessary adult time.
Therefore, make it as easy as
possible for both parents to have an abundance of time with the kids. Here are some
fundamental points to consider:
Remember, successful co-parenting has three "C"s: Communicate; Coordinate; Cooperate.
Step Three: Respect Your Children's Right To
Love Both Parents.
Here is a very important
point, and I hope that you agree with it: Children get to be small. They don't
have to understand things that are complex. They don't have to be responsible
for taking care of their parents. They don't have to be afraid to love one
parent for fear that the other parent will be angry with them. Certainly, the
older the kids are, the more they can be expected to handle. But it is
important to respect a child's right to never have to handle anything that
isn't his or hers. That includes the parents' financial struggles, conflicts,
accusations and indictments against each other.
So if you are having a major
meltdown in your relationship with the other parent, remember where you are
when you need to let off steam. Would you drive a raging bull through a
beautiful garden? Probably not. Think of your child's
love for you and the other parent as a fragile, beautiful garden and point the
raging bull in another direction.
The Children's Boundaries that
follow are pretty basic, you probably are already aware of them and respecting
them. But if you or the other parent is having trouble keeping any of these,
you can obtain a more detailed article on children's boundaries called:
Entering The Children's Home by contacting Sole
Support at 949-837-7653 or at our website: Sole Support Online. It's on the Brainfood page).
Remember, your kids have the
absolute right to love the other parent without reservation. Even if the other
parent is ignoring these boundaries, you must not. Respect your kid's
boundaries so that they have an emotionally safe, uncomplicated place to call
home. Once these boundaries are mastered, cooperative co-parenting becomes the
single most important element in creating a stress-free and conflict-free
family plan.
The Children's Boundaries:
These
boundaries fall into a category called Triangulation. It means that we are
forcing our kids to get meshed into our adult relationship. This enmeshment may
create feelings of anxiety, conflict, confusion and emotional withdrawal for
the kids. So remember to respect their rights before you involve them in
anything that has to do with the other parent.
Comfort your children through
the difficult transition from a two-parent home to a two-home family plan with
love and hugs. Respect their right to be kids. They don't need to have the
complex pressures that tear adult relationships apart explained to them.
Another children's boundary
falls into a category that we call: Parentification.
This is a term that we attach to actions that cause a child to have to take on
responsibilities that they are not ready for, either age-wise or maturity-wise.
This happens when two-parent homes become single-parent homes and a child is
suddenly thrust into the role of caretaker for the other kids. It can also
happen when a parent who is overwhelmed by stress, loneliness or grief becomes
emotionally needy and the children become sources of emotional support for the
parent.
Parentification significantly contributes to
feelings of guilt and co-dependency for children who have been victim to it. So
be very careful in the way that you assign responsibilities to your kids. Of
course, reduced adult support and financial limitations sometimes necessitate a
child's taking on additional responsibilities for the family. While many
children seem to thrive on added responsibility, be careful to provide that
child with plenty of opportunity to be the child that he or she is. Very often
a child will get a lot of ego gratification from behaving like a "little
adult" only to discover later on that they have lost the ability to be
spontaneous, flexible and playful.
In addition, be sure to have
plenty of emotional support for yourself from other adults so that you don't
unwittingly lean on your kids for your emotional needs. And if you've ever
heard a parent say, "my kid is my best
friend," buy that parent a book on boundaries as fast as you can!
To summarize: Three Steps to take to make
Single Parenting easier