FS-565, October 1996
Many children born today
have the potential to be "Caught In The
Middle" of parental divorce. Research suggests both difficult and
promising news: Children from families of divorce may suffer painful
consequences, and yet children who are surrounded by support and given the
skills and information needed to cope with the situation suffer fewer painful
consequences.
How can this be done?
Co-parenting is a phrase used to describe divorced or separated parents who are
sensitive to their child's distress and who learn techniques that avoid putting
children in the middle. Lets face it, many couples
find it extremely difficult to divorce amicably. Typically there's potential
for a great deal of anger, resentment, disappointment and pain. A parent may
mistakenly use children as weapons by controlling the other parent's access to
the children or financial support. They may use children as "spies"
or trash each other in front of them. All of this puts children at risk and may
add to the burden which children of divorce already face. Some possible sources
of conflict are:
When a family is
reorganized because of separation or divorce, the parenting responsibilities
also need to be reorganized. Remind yourself about why it's important to
develop a new partnership as parents for your children.
Learning about divorce and
the related problems faced by children helps to keep your children from the
battles that may occur between divorcing parents. Keep the following
suggestions in mind:
1. Plan to take a class such as "Children of
Divorce" to learn about how you can support your child and keep him or her
from getting caught in the middle. Ask your clerk of court or county extension
service office for information about classes in your area.
2. Read and talk with
your child. Make a
point to look for books that will help you and your child work through a
difficult situation and talk about it whenever possible.
3. Set the foundation
for a positive co-parenting relationship. Try to think about the following suggestions and come
to a common understanding between the adults:
4. Communicate clearly
and often with children.
What your child needs to know:
5. Take care of
yourself. Depending
on your circumstances, your own emotional and physical energy may be low. Find
ways to take care of yourself so you can fully care for your children.
Helping
your child through the adjustments and difficulties of divorce means being in
touch with their feelings of loss, guilt, powerlessness and fear. Review the following list of
actions. Revisit this list as your child grows and is able to view the divorce
or separation from a new age and stage.
Your child feels
criticisms of the other parent as if they were criticisms of the child. Each dart thrown at the other parent
hits the child first.
The following is a list of
destructive remarks that you should not make to your child. If you find
yourself saying words like these, stop and think about their impact on your
child.
All of these remarks
raise fear and anxiety in children.
FS-566, October 1996
Many children born today
have the potential to be "Caught In The
Middle" of parental divorce. Research suggests both difficult and
promising news: Children from families of divorce may suffer painful
consequences, and yet children who are surrounded by support and given the
skills and information needed to cope with the situation suffer fewer painful
consequences.
How can this be done?
Co-parenting is a phrase used to describe divorced or separated parents who are
sensitive to their child's distress and who learn techniques that avoid putting
children in the middle. Lets face it, many couples
find it extremely difficult to divorce amicably. Typically there's potential
for a great deal of anger, resentment, disappointment and pain. Parents may use
children as weapons by controlling the other parent's access to the children or
financial support. They may use children as "spies" or trash each
other in front of them. All of this puts children at risk and may add to the
burden which children of divorce already face. Some of the typical sources of
conflict are:
When a family is
reorganized because of separation or divorce, the parenting responsibilities
also need to be reorganized. Remind yourself about why it's important to
develop a new partnership as parents for your child/ren:
One of the most
difficult issues for parents who share responsibilities for children is the
issue of visitation. The following guidelines are meant to give you several ideas
to work from. Each family must find what works best for them while avoiding too
much pressure being put on the children.
The guidelines that follow
are examples of constructive parenting goals that promote the well-being
of the children by helping them grow into healthy, happy, whole people.
1. Be
as flexible as possible about visitation schedules.
2. Make visitations a
normal part of life.
3. Show respect for your
former partner and concern for your children.
Some parents use visitation
to achieve destructive goals. Destructive goals are those that are based
on one parent seeking to hurt the other parent, to disrupt his or her life, to
inflict revenge for past or present hurts. To achieve that goal, the parent may
use destructive strategies. This can create an even more hostile relationship
with the former spouse and can seriously damage the relationship between the
children and one or both parents. Destructive strategies can be deeply hurtful
to the children caught in the middle and must be avoided. To avoid destructive
strategies:
1. Don't refuse to
communicate with your former partner.
2. Don't try to disrupt
your children's relationship with the other parent.
3. Don't allow your
anger against your partner to affect your relationship with your children.
4. Don't try to spoil
your children or try to "buy" their loyalty or love.
Mulroy, M., Malley,
C., Sabatelli, R., & Waldron, R. (1995). Parenting Apart:
Strategies for Effective Co-Parenting.
Gordon, D. (1994). Children
In The Middle. Center for Divorce Education:
FS-566, October 1996
NDSU Extension Service,
North Dakota State University of Agriculture and Applied Science, and U.S.
Department of Agriculture cooperating. Sharon D. Anderson,
Director,
This publication will be made available in alternative formats for people
with disabilities upon request, 701/231-7881.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Co Parenting
M. Scott
A
successful divorce is one in which the parents divorce each other but do not
require the child to divorce one of the parents, either as a result of parental
conflict or by one parent not being available to the child.
The following
quote nicely summarizes this knowledge:
The current
research examining the effects of divorce on children concludes that a
constructive divorce in a family with children requires minimizing the psychic
injury to children through continued relationships with both parents and an
atmosphere of support and cooperation between the parents.1
Thus, it is a
well-established fact that a child experiencing the dissolution of the family
structure will do better if the parents are able to get along and reduce trauma
in an already traumatic experience. Co-parenting can be a viable option when it
is implemented by parents who want it to work because they understand that the
child’s needs supersede their own self interest, and it can be successful and
rewarding for both the child and the parents.
IMPACT OF
SEPARATION AND DIVORCE ON CHILDREN
There are many
threatening and frightening things that happen to individuals whose
relationship ends up in separation or divorce. When there are no children of
the relationship, the adults can separate their lives relatively easily, albeit
not without pain. For a child, however, the termination of a nuclear family is,
most often, highly traumatizing. Children, who go through separation, and/or
divorce, experience abandonment. Generally, this is also their primary fear.
Younger children do not have the intellectual resources, or older children the
emotional resources to understand this as anything other than, “I am being left
by my parent!” When asked, “What do you worry about most?” They often respond
with, “I am afraid I will never see one of my parents again.” When children of
separation or divorce are asked, “What are your three wishes?” most will
usually say something like, “I wish my Mom and Dad were back together.”
A central
reason that divorce is so difficult for children is the fact that they have little
life experience to understand why their parents would separate and what happens
when a parent, or when both parents, leaves the family home. They frequently
worry, “If ONE of my parents mysteriously left home today, who is to say that
my OTHER parent won’t leave home tomorrow, and there will be nobody left to
take care of me?”
Often, children
are afraid to ask what will happen. They are afraid they may hear that their
worst fear has come true - that their parents have indeed, permanently
abandoned by their parents. And, if the parents do not explain what the
separation means and doesn’t mean for the child, then the child may remain in a
state of chronic anxiety. Sometimes, this anxiety gets expressed as acting-out
with aggressive and non-compliant behavior, and sometimes it gets expressed as
withdrawn behavior, eating problems, sleeping problems, and/or school problems.
So, if a child’s behavior has changed from a usual pattern, it may simply be a
red flag being waved saying, “I’m having difficulty dealing with this
situation. Can you please help me by explaining what is going on?” Your child
needs you to take time to explain in detail what the separation will mean to
him or her. This is an excellent time to reassure your children that the
separation and divorce are not their fault. It is not something they said, did,
felt, or thought that made Daddy or Mommy leave. Give the child a simple
explanation of why the separation did take place. Present it in a way that does
not put down the other parent.
DEFINITIONS
OF TERMS
In dealing with
a former partner in the joint task of raising children after separation and/or
divorce, it is very important, and clearly very challenging to separate the
parenting issues from leftover partnering issues.
So how do
former partners jointly parent their children? And what is co-parenting? Let us
begin by defining some terms and concepts.
LEGAL
CUSTODY
Legal custody
is a designation of parental authority to make major decisions regarding the
health, education, and welfare of the child. Some examples of such issues that
need decisions would be as follows: Does the child need braces? What school
will the child attend? What religion will the child practice? The typical
options for Legal Custody are either Sole legal custody, or Joint legal
custody. A parent with Sole legal custody has authority to make all major
decisions about the child. Parents with Joint legal custody share the authority
to make major decisions about their child.
PHYSICAL
CUSTODY
Physical
custody designates the amount of time a child shares with each parent. The
typical options are Sole physical custody or Joint physical custody. A parent
with Sole physical custody has responsibility for the child the significant
majority of the time. Parents with Joint physical custody share responsibility
for the child’s time within a more equitable schedule. It is important to note
that neither Joint physical nor Joint legal custody
necessarily mean an exactly equal time-sharing arrangement. The legal
definitions of these terms have purposely been left general and broad by the
legislatures, so that any specific application could take into account the
particular needs of a given child and his or her family situation. Any and all
time-sharing plans should be based on the very broad standard of “the best
interests of the child.” It should take into consideration the child’s
developmental needs.
VISITATION
Another term to
define is visitation. This is generally considered to be the time that the
child shares with the non-custodial parent. Notice these highlighted terms
-custody, visitation. They sound like the child is a piece of property, or a
prisoner.
Rather than
viewing the separated family arrangements in traditional legal terms, it is
more valid, psychologically speaking, for physical custody to be conceptualized
from the point of view of the child. We know that, with rare exceptions, it is
in the child’s best interest to have regular and continuing contact with both
parents. And, with very young children (under the age of 4 or 5), it is
important if at all possible to have frequent contact with each parent. This is
because of their very limited memory, which after only several days fades the
image of the missing parent. This all is to say the child’s rights have to
supersede the parent’s rights. It is the child’s right to have access to both
parents. It is the parent’s obligation and responsibility to be available and
to care for the child.
PARENTING
PLAN
Less
competitive or “fighting words” and more collaborative terminology would be
helpful in lowering the stress of an already difficult situation. For example,
rather than using the terms “custody” and “visitation,” I suggest using the
more emotionally neutral term, “parenting plan.” This term contains the more
normalized concepts of a child sharing time with or living with each parent at
different times. In a written parenting plan, sentences begin with, “The child
will share time with (or, live with) each parent according to the following
schedule:” rather than, “The Father has visitation on alternate weekends.” Even
if the child sees one parent only once a year for a few days, the child is
still sharing time and living with that parent during that time period.
The time
sharing plan should take into consideration what that child has become
accustomed to, regarding the parenting style and arrangement during the time of
the intact relationship. This is critical for the adjustment and stability of
the child during the often chaotic and stressful period following the break up.
If, during the relationship, there had been a primary parent carrying out the
major responsibility in time and effort, then such should remain the initial
basis of a parenting plan. It need not remain as such forever, but it should
begin with the status quo from the child’s view, and be modified gradually over
time. It is important to understand that no agreement is written in stone. All
parenting plans are negotiable, as various needs arise
that necessitate modification of the plan.
If a child is
to be with one parent significantly more of the time than with the other parent
(for example, when the two parents live a considerable distance from one
another), I suggest replacing the traditional term of “custodial parent” with
the less emotionally charged concept of “the child’s primary residence” and
“the child’s secondary residence.” Of course, if the child shares time fairly
equitably between the parents, then there is no need to designate either
parent’s residence with such title.
CO-PARENTING
Technically,
co-parenting exists with any parenting arrangement, regardless of its formal
designation. In whatever way each parent is involved in raising the child, the
parents co-parent. Most effective co-parenting arrangements
contain the following characteristic dynamics between the parents: cooperation,
communication, compromise, and consistency. These dynamics often grow over time
and typically take a period of years to evolve effectively.
PARALLEL
PARENTING
While
meaningful co-parenting can only be carried out by parents in a working,
functional, parental relationship, parallel parenting is more characteristic of
parents in a dysfunctional relationship dynamic. Parallel parenting manifests
when there is an insufficient degree of cooperation, communication, compromise,
or consistency to carry out co-parenting. Frequently, in the beginning stages
of a separation or divorce, parallel parenting may exist as a result of the
lack of trust and sense of betrayal. While most parents are able to work
through these dynamics to establish a more cooperative relationship, some
parents are not and they remain in a power struggle that affects all
negotiations between them. Certainly, when post-divorce parenting arrangements
are Court-ordered in an adversarial court battle, such on-going patterns are
common.
Children in
parallel parenting arrangements often experience heightened anxiety during
phone calls from the other parent and during transfers between parents. This
anxiety results from the child’s awareness of the great potential for parental
fights to ensue at these times. It is important to protect the children from
this potential for parental conflict to erupt. Minimizing verbal and physical
contact between the parents can help. It is often useful to utilize written
communication (letters, faxes, e-mail, etc.), or a third party, for
communication purposes.
FIVE
CATEGORIES OF POST-DIVORCE SPOUSAL RELATIONSHIPS
Ahrons 2
has conceptualized five categories of post-divorce spousal relationships:
Perfect Pals, Cooperative Colleagues, Angry Associates, Fiery Foes, and
Dissolved Duos. The first two are appropriately referred to as functional
co-parenting. The next two are dysfunctional relationships that can manage
“parallel parenting” at best. And, the last category, Dissolved Duos, sadly for
the children, consists of 100% solo parenting.
PERFECT PALS
Perfect Pals
are best friends who were married and have made a mutual decision to go their
separate ways. These parents like one another. They usually do all their own
legal work and establish a parenting plan that is in the “best interests of the
child.” They are flexible and have respect for each other, both as co-parents
and as friends. These are the individuals who will be able to celebrate
holidays together. Even after remarriage to others, they may, for example, all
celebrate Thanksgiving dinner together. When graduation comes, they might
purchase one present together for their child and sit together at the ceremony.
COOPERATIVE
COLLEAGUES
While still
within the co-parenting category, Cooperative Colleagues have a difficult time
when they separate. They most likely have attorneys or require a third party to
assist in finalizing plans of the marital settlement. Most often these people
did not make a mutual decision to separate. They still do not necessarily like
each other, but they respect one another as parents. They can separate their
parenting from their partnering issues. They support the child’s involvement in
each other’s lives and in the lives of the extended families. They are
generally courteous to each other. A few times a year, they may have a
disagreement that initially will require third party intervention, but they are
able to resolve such disputes outside of Court.
Eventually,
cooperative colleagues figure out how to avoid getting caught up in the drama
of the former partner. At graduation, for example, they may or may not sit
together. Either way, they are cordial and not overtly hostile. They will
likely feel more comfortable purchasing separate gifts for their child and one
might take the graduate to dinner while the other takes him or her to
breakfast. These people have let go of each other. They permit and support the
child having a relationship with the other parent. As years move on, each is
less threatened by the other. The child has two houses and two families under
one large conceptual family umbrella.
Now, we move
into the more dysfunctional post-divorce relationship categories. Although many
still refer to this as co-parenting, I suggest the use of the more apt term,
“parallel parenting,” to describe these dynamics.
ANGRY
ASSOCIATES
Angry
Associates do not know how to emotionally disengage from each other. They are “compatible
combatants.”3 They
fight well together and thus remain in a destructive relationship from which at
least one of the parties was truly attempting to leave. At least one of the partners
gets stuck in the emotional process of divorce and cannot move on with life.
This can go on for years or, perhaps, a lifetime. These parents are in a
persistent and continual power struggle with one another. They regularly
require third party intervention (mediators, lawyers, arbitrators, and judges).
They do not respect each other as parents, nor as people. Their child becomes a
pawn in this unrelenting conflict and his or her childhood is sacrificed to the
immaturity of the parents. These are the parents who do not encourage the child
to share time with the other parent. Involvement with extended family members
is not often a real possibility for the child.
Certainly, if
looks could cause harm, injury would happen, (and occasionally does) between these
parents. They will definitely choose not to sit near one another at any of
their child’s events. More than likely, the parent responsible for the child on
graduation day will not encourage the child to acknowledge the other parent, in
any way. These parents do not understand that, although they have separated or
divorced, the child does not choose to divorce either parent. Unfortunately,
these parents see things in black and white, win/loose, and either/or. There is
no gray, no win-win in their consciousness. This child will grow up walking on
eggshells and scanning the environment to figure out the “right” thing to say
and do. The child’s base of operation is one of living in a “war zone.” This
child cannot be the loving center of his/her parents’ world. This child exists
as the “spoils of war.”
FIERY FOES
The next
relationship category, called the Fiery Foes, is one in which the dynamics of
the dysfunctional relationship further exacerbate the intensity of the
dissolution process. These parents have such disdain for one another that, for
example, one of the parents cannot even attend the child’s graduation. Not only
does each parent dislike the other, but the child and the eventual grandchild
will have to carry the anger down through the generations as to how awful the
other parent was as a parent, partner, and yes, human being. The therapist of
this child can do nothing more than comfort the child during the therapy
sessions. For, after these sessions, the child must return to the family war.
The children of these parents suffer psychopathology of the worst order,
distress that will assure them of the need for life-long psychotherapy. Often
the risks (both physical and emotional) to the child of on-going efforts by
their parents at co-parenting are too great. Decisive and sometimes dramatic
Court intervention is a virtual necessity with Fiery Foes.
DISSOLVED
DUOS
The final
category is Dissolved Duos. These parents have reached such an extreme point of
pain that one of the parents drops out of the child’s life entirely. The parent
typically moves out of state and begins a new family, often never even telling
the new spouse that there had ever been another family. This parent would not
have even known that their child had graduated. Becoming the departing of the
Dissolved Duo is one way to disengage from the emotional pain of divorce, but
the price that the child pays in being abandoned is huge.
THE IMPACT
OF GRIEF ON SUCCESSFUL CO-PARENTING
Most parents
want to co-parent successfully and strive to conduct themselves in ways that
would include them in the first two post-divorce relationship categories. What
gets in the way?
THE GRIEVING
PROCESS
Just as with
death, when a relationship ends there is a grieving process. This natural
response to loss often contributes significantly to difficulties in
co-parenting. It takes no less than two years to bring the grieving process
regarding the break up of the relationship to a resolution. This timeline is
founded on the notion that a person needs to live through the first year after
the break up with all its holidays and occasions, as he or she moves away from
the established patterns of the marital relationship. The second year permits
the creation of new patterns. It should not be assumed that a new relationship
cannot be established during the grieving period. It is just that unresolved
issues from the prior relationship often interfere with the new relationship.
Ghosts of the previous relationship frequently intrude, unconsciously, into the
dynamics of a new relationship and often contribute to its problems.
Frequently, the grief process takes much longer than two years. One theory
suggests that the grieving process can take as long as one- third to one-half
the length of the relationship that just ended.
The grieving
process has many theoretical models. One stage-theory that is very useful was
developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.4 The first stage is
the stage of denial - the disbelief that this is actually happening. The second
stage is the stage of anger. This can take many forms, which include conflict,
rage, acting out and redefining the former partner in as negative a light as
possible.
The third stage,
of grieving, according to Kubler-Ross, involves
remorse or bargaining. In this stage, one is frightened about really losing the
other. Promises and deals are made that positive changes will happen if only
they can get back together.
The fourth
stage is the phase of depression. There is deep pain and sadness about the loss
of the dreams, fantasies, expectations, and hopes.
Finally the
last stage, acceptance, is one which involves moving on in life. It has been
our experience that you know you have reached the acceptance stage when
someone, inquiring about your relationship, asks, “What happened?” And, your
response, given in less than ten seconds and void of emotional charge, is “We
just went our separate ways.”
IMPACT ON
RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS
It is often the
case that one parent is at a more functional level than is the other with
regard to co-parenting. If this is the situation, then it is more effective for
the parent who is at the more functional level to remain rational and empathic
toward the other parent. If the more functional parent is drawn to a lower
level of functionality, there will be more chaos and disruption, not only for
that parent, but, more importantly, for the child. The higher functioning
parent would be better off learning effective negotiating skills for dealing
with an individual who prefers to be in a competitive rather than collaborative
negotiating arena. Do not expect the separation or divorce to magically change
the pattern of the other party from how it was during the marriage to being
more effective in resolving problems. Without active new learning, it is
unusual for such patterns to change on its own. Individual counseling and
classes in communication skills are productive resources for the higher
functioning parent.
IMPACT ON
THE INDIVIDUAL’S ABILITY TO “
There is yet
another concept to address that impacts the ability to
co-parent. The emotional process of divorce for one partner is not generally on
the same timeline as it is for the other partner. Typically, one of the
partners becomes aware of being unhappy in the relationship. That individual
may request the other to attend marital counseling in hopes of getting the
other partner to change and make the relationship “right.” The other partner
may respond with something like, “I don’t have a problem. You have a problem.
You go to counseling. I am very happy just the way things are.”
The person
attempting to seek professional help is already well into the process of
emotional detachment. The less effort exerted by the other
partner, the more such detachment occurs. The interesting aspect here is
that the first party experiences interactions with the spouse as a constant,
daily reality check regarding the unhappy experience. This validates the
perception that the relationship is no longer functional. Typically, this
internal process of detachment goes on for about a year or two before the
decision to separate is made. Once the decision is made to leave the
relationship, there typically is little or no chance of reclaiming the
relationship. And, on the day that the first partner announces that the
relationship is over, the grieving process for the second party begins. It is
this timeline disparity that creates turmoil between the couple.
At that point,
the person who is being left says, “Okay, let’s go to counseling and fix this!”
Frequently, the intent of such a request is to have the counselor tell the
leaving party that he or she is in error and should stay and work it out. When
this does not happen as hoped, the partner who is left begins the emotional
process of divorce. Once separated, the grieving process of the person who was
left is somewhat different and more difficult than that of the one who left.
Now, the only base of perception is the memory of the relationship, not the
reality of the day-to-day experience. And, those memories can rapidly become
grossly distorted. Once again, individual counseling for the person being left
can be of tremendous help in providing support, and can be a reality check for
clearer thinking and more appropriate planning.
ESTABLISHING
A PARENTING PLAN: THE NUTS AND BOLTS THINGS TO CONSIDER
For
co-parenting to be effective, both parents need to consider the needs of the
child above their own needs. A written parenting plan provides the structure
necessary to get through a difficult time. It is like a map that gives
directions on how the two of you agree to parent your child. This structured
agreement offers the basis of security upon which the former spouses can build
trust. A parenting plan should be built on a foundation of the developmental
needs of the child. It is often useful to seek sound professional advice about
the needs of children at different ages in devising a parenting plan.
It should be
understood that what is appropriate for a child at a certain age will not
necessarily be appropriate for the same child at a later age. The child’s
temperament and response to changes should be addressed and monitored. For
example, how adaptable is your child? How easily can he or she handle changes?
How sensitive to stimuli is he? How much does she need a highly structured
routine? How distractible is he?
Also the
child’s sense of time is an important factor in considering the duration a
child can cope with separation from a parent. For example, young children
(under five years of age or so) have only about a three-day memory for an
absent parent. After about three days with no contact with the other parent
(including no phone contact), these children may begin to show distress, because
they have begun to “forget” the other parent, and thus they may feel abandoned.
As children get older, they can handle increased time away from each parent.
These facts, of course, mean that an agreement cannot be permanent but rather
is always only temporary, good and useful only until the child and/or the
circumstances change. A parenting plan should include a regular school year
schedule, a summer schedule, and a holiday schedule. Consistency, especially in
the initial phases of the arrangement is important. Once an agreement is
reached the less there is to negotiate and the more that trust can be
established between the parents. This is beneficial, since ultimately, it will
likely nurture more flexibility between the parties.
The day-to-day
parenting plan should take into consideration the reality of the child. For
example, if the child is young, and/or has awareness that one of the parents
has been the primary source of parenting, then such would be the starting point
of the negotiated agreement. Gradual shifts from what is familiar to the child
to what is possible are best for children. To alter this too suddenly would be
more about meeting the needs of the adults than of the child. The child is then
forced to sacrifice his or her needs, rather than the parents more
appropriately making sacrifices for their child.
Responsibilities
can be negotiated (for example, who will take the
child to medical appointments, purchase clothing, etc.). Such responsibilities
can be shared or specifically assigned to one parent, but it should be
acknowledged in the agreement. If the parents have a comfortable level of
communication, the flexibility to modify the agreement can be accomplished
through mutual consent. If there is difficulty communicating, then it is more effective
to keep the agreement structured, with little modification. Of course, it is
helpful to specify how minor modifications can be made when a legitimate need
arises (e.g., when one parent is tied up in traffic and does not make it on
time to a scheduled transfer of the child; or, for example, when a child is
very sick and transfer to the other parent is medically inadvisable).
It is also
useful to set out specific guidelines for communication. These may include
when, for how long, and how frequently the parents
agree to talk business with one another regarding financial matters, legal
matters, etc. Also, specified time should be set aside to discuss the children.
It is critically important that these discussions NOT take place in earshot of
the children. Such negotiations can frequently lead to conflict and even minor
conflict in front of the children of separation and divorce can be distressing
to the children.
Co-parenting
can work more smoothly if there is a color-coded calendar at each home. Each
parent is represented by a particular color. In this way, even young children
who cannot yet recognize letters can still associate one color with Mommy, and
a different color with Daddy. Consistency of the color assignment across
households facilitates comfort in recognition for a young child.
Anchoring
certain concepts to specific events is also useful for a young child. For
example, you can say, “You will be seeing Mommy (or Daddy) after you go to
sleep three times,” then “two times,” then “one time.” A young child does not
really understand what a “Tuesday” is, nor what “next weekend” means. Young
children are concrete thinkers. It helps a child to adjust if there is a
picture of the other parent in the room where the child sleeps. That way, the
memory of the other parent can be sustained in the child’s mind for a longer
time between transfers.
Open phone
access of the child with each parent is helpful, as long as neither parent is
stressing the child. The call should be a special event and solely for the
purpose of speaking with the children. It is most useful to not request to
speak to the other parent when you call to speak to the child. Arguments that
can ensue when you ask to speak to the other parent are experienced by the
child as “my parents are arguing over me.” Of course, it is most helpful to
teach the child how to call the other parent, without the need of parental
assistance. Speed dial buttons on phones are perfect for young children doing
this.
Similarly,
during transfers of the child, be civil and brief,
saying, “Hello,” “Thank you,” “Good bye.” Again, it is best to avoid discussing
adult matters (money, schedules, lawyers, etc.) during transfer of the child.
If it is
economically feasible, the child should have sufficient clothing and toys at
both houses. This avoids the child feeling like a traveler carrying luggage. If
possible, arrange to transfer the child at school or at childcare. One parent
drops off; the other picks up. This tends to reduce the child’s separation anxiety
that results from leaving one parent to go directly with the other. Being a
co-parent requires a great deal of skill. This includes the ability to listen
and to avoid getting defensive. The ability to let your former partner parent
the child his or her own way is a skill. It need not be perfect, or as good as your parenting style, but it just has to be good enough. It
helps to understand that the child can benefit from what each of you has to
offer. It is a skill to present a concern and let the other parent deal with it
as he or she sees best.
It is helpful
for both parents to comprehend that they are in a joint business enterprise.
Their business is to raise their child and provide the necessary skills for
this child to grow into a productive member of society. That does not require
you to like each other or to want to spend time together. It just requires an
understanding that, for the sake of the child, you let go of the animosity and
resentment towards each other, and let your child love each of you.
EVOLUTION OF
THE RELATIONSHIP
There are four
stages in the evolution of a relationship from a beginning romance and/or
marriage towards a divorce and co-parenting relationship. The first is the
stage of “intimacy.” This is when you get together, are in love, and the world
looks fine. The second stage may best be termed “negative intensity.” This is
when the relationship is falling apart and separation and divorce are in the
works. The third is the stage of “building a structured agreement” for how to continue
raising the children in the context of separation or divorce. In this stage,
the parents must form a business-like relationship and clarify the
time-scheduling plan for the children and the rules of conduct for how the
parents agree to conduct themselves after separation and divorce.
The last is the
stage of “emotional disengagement.” It is in this stage that you reassess and
establish a post-divorce relationship with each other, which can range from
Perfect Pals to Dissolved Duos. Hopefully you will end up, minimally, as
Cooperative Colleagues, being courteous and civil in your interactions with one
another. Unfortunately, many divorcing parents try to move directly from stage
two to stage four without going through stage three. Bypassing stage three
(building a structured agreement) does not allow for the necessary tasks of
structuring a co-parenting agreement that prevents the children from being used
as pawns between the parents as they continue to act on their negative feelings
towards one another. This, unfairly, puts further stress on the child, and it
should be avoided.
Divorce and
separation do not automatically result in the parents realizing that now they
must work together differently from how they did when they were together. Do
not expect miracles. Your former partner is not going to wake up all of a
sudden and say, “Oh gee, now I understand what s/he wanted. I will act
appropriately.” A parenting plan is a map. It is a map of how the two parents
will continue to raise their child. However, just as a road map does not teach
you HOW to drive the car safely on the road, but merely shows you the
territory, the parenting map simply describes in detail the territory of
co-parenting. You are solely responsible for your own behavior in following
this map. The more communication and parenting skills you pick up along the
way, the safer the journey will be for your children.
Developing
understanding and empathy for the other parent are essential in using the map
effectively. You can still have accidents, despite the map that you create.
Individual counseling, or some other guided experience in self-awareness can be
a benefit to you in relating to your former partner. Oftentimes, individual
counseling is very effective in figuring out your own boundaries. If both
individuals are willing, divorce counseling aimed at learning communication
skills can be very helpful for untangling the old emotional hooks and learning
effective ways to co-parent, for your child’s sake.
IMAGINING
THE FUTURE
Imagine that
you are attending your child’s twenty-fifth birthday, or wedding. Will your
child be able to look at the two of you on this day of celebration and say the
following? “I would like to honor my Mom and Dad for their love of me. They
were able to navigate through a difficult situation and protect me from the
storm. I love you both for showing me how to be a human being.” Or, will your
child look out and not see one or either of you there, because of your
unresolved anger towards each other?
A child has the
right to love both parents. Give your child that as a gift. It will be
profoundly appreciated and everlasting.
FOOTNOTES:
1. See Ahrons,
C. R. and Rodgers, R. H. (1987). Divorced Families.
NY: W. W. Norton.
2. Ibid.
3. This term was used by
Virginia Scott and George Daub during a presentation of their “Family Wellness”
Series,
4. See Kubler-Ross,
E. (1969). On Death and Dying.
5. See Johnston, J. and Campbell, L.
(1988). Impasses of Divorce. NY: The Free Press.